Need Your Help...but first...

...how 'bout that ride to work today, Chicago bike commuters? Is this February...or April? Did I wake up in San Luis Obispo this morning? I was confused when I didn't see any palm trees as Big E and I rolled at 6:15 - actually I left at 6:15 to meet him at 6:30, he never showed (flatted) so I left, but he caught me at Lehigh and Dempster. We had a glorious 52-degrees-and-sunny, not-a-cloud-to-be-seen tailwind as we cruised north through Morton Grove and Glenview. It was a bit sloppy - with the last remaining ice-berms draining melt-water into the street to mix with the remaining salt and grime that hadn't been washed away by last night's rain - but we didn't mind in the least. I'll spend another hour tonight scrubbing the kit soaking in the bathroom sink, but I don't care.

On a more somber note, we did pass the aftermath of a horrific two-car crash on Central just south of Devon. It looked like a red sedan tried to make a left turn into the forest preserve parking lot and got T-boned by a northbound silver car. Traffic moves quickly there. Too fast. We passed with in feet of the silver car and saw it empty, with no blood. The right front end of the red car however was completely destroyed and the windshield broken out. If there was a passenger in the front seat, survival looked grim...

False hopes.

I know as well as you do this is a false spring. The cold and snow will be back this weekend, perhaps for a couple more weeks, but today's preview is an announcement that warmer weather is on the way. Cyclists were poking their heads out like prairie dogs all weekend, testing the air, getting an early look. And seeing them all gave me an idea for my first article.

First article?

Yes! I've been made a writer for Examiner.com, the Chicago Cycling Examiner, to be specific. It's sort of the Amway of epublishing. I applied on Craigslist a few months ago, and yesterday I received word from them that I was "hired." I use the quotes because I am supposed to get compensated based on traffic to my articles, but that remains to be seen. I view it mostly as an opportunity to refine my focus, drill down to a more targeted audience, and build a portfolio. It's hard to believe, being hired to write articles based on no experience - almost like when Homer Simpson tries to become an internet tycoon without any idea of how to make money at it. But that's just it - the site makes money on internet traffic through it's advertisers, so I need to drive traffic to my articles.

Please click through above, and if you like what you read there, please share it - via Digg, Facebook, Google Reader, etc. Expect to see a more cycling-focused approach of what you read here at The Car Whisperer: maintenance tips, shop reviews, neighborhood exploration and new bikes routes. The moment I get a check, I'll be sure to let you know...and when I get enough to by a 12 pack of High Life - hopefully in time for the Midweek Gem - I'll see you at J.J. Peppers!

What an Asshole

What kind of an asshole shows up to a century ride in 30 degree temperatures wearing no thermal layer?

A Lycra base layer, a jersey, and vest. Plus leg and arm warmers. That was it.

Seriously? Idiot.

You should've seen him as he started to go hypothermic. He was shivering, had trouble speaking clearly, and wasn't able to understand what others were saying to him either. Some guy even offered to trade his lobster gloves for this guy's inadaquate full-fingered ones. I told him he should've just let that asshole be miserable with his frostbitten fingers. Fuck him.

I was already tired of hearing how cold he was when, thank God, he finally peeled off at some gas station about 10 miles north of Glenview, where I heard he sat and warmed his pathetic ass up with a cup of awful coffee while the counter jockey told him there was no men's room and then went back to shouting in his blue tooth headset in Farsi or Pashto or something.

I guess he finally made it home and once he warmed up, ended up on the lakefront for 45 more miles, dodging pathletes "training" and shouting, "on your left!" to slow, frumpy, suburban women named "Blair" and "Rhonda" who were empowering themselves by power-walking across the entire width of the path.

Oh well. I hope that loser learned his lesson. It's better to take layers off than wait for it to warm up. That will never happen as quickly as you need it to.

What an asshole.

Barren

I know that I have only seen it rain
That never has it stormed within my path
I read the pages, looking at the pain
And heard the ruminations on God's wrath.
I cow'r in fear to dwell upon my fate
That's been foretold by corpses walking past...
They cackle at my slick-skinned naivete
With toothless leers and bony fingers crossed.
Expensive clothes and robes now turned to mold
Rotten, sour agelessness of excess
To be undone by no amount of gold -
Illuminating only scars and sadness.
While great swaths of fire, birthed by lightning,
Clear the remains of every living thing.

RIP Lux...

Click here for "New Kind of Kick."

"Like Susie needs dick..."

Yes...like Susie.

Quote of the Day

The new season is a month away. A warning to all Cat 5s - are you sure you want to do this?

"Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes."

---Henry David Thoreau

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Wanted to ride to work today but it's still only 15 degrees outside. Balls.

Hump Day

February 4th: 181 pounds.

29 Days.

"Wrong mailbox!"

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There's a Saris recall. Heads up. A teammate and friend of mine "disengaged" from her trainer during the garage ride I wrote about in this space a couple of weeks ago. It started innocently enough, sounding like someone had dropped an armload of pots and pans. Yet it stretched into time, taking on the sonic urgency of a car crash - metal and carbon scraping and banging...and then I think a riser block scattered past me. I turned around and she was lying on the hard, cold garage floor in shock. Much as I had when I'd gotten cocky on my rollers in that very space once. The plastic bolt holding the leg on had failed, snapping and causing the bike to go crashing down to the right.

I think I'd take a crash on the road any day.

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Sorry for the lack of real content these days. A lot of angst and personal stress has led to a lack of creativity. Don't worry. You know what happens with poets and writers who experience angst and stress...they bore their readers even more than when they weren't writing.

All I will say is this. It amazing how the words you are saying and hearing can make you feel so far away from the person lying right next to you. It was literally like I was shouting across a canyon. Desperate to be heard. To try and make it across.

Thanks for all the kind words I've received from those who've offered. It is so comforting to know I have such good friends who care.

An Open Letter to Michael Phelps

You know, your lawyers could have given any number of professional athletes a call when you signed all those endorsement deals. They have "handlers" that keep them out of situations like this.

I'm just guessin'...but having pictures like this get out ain't the way to keep up on your house payments.

I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.

"Mom?? I wanna come home! You rented out my room?!? Mom, to whom?!"