Friday Vitriol

Today, Friday the 13th, the executions will commence immediately:

• A Domino's order will not get you a pizza, but rather a .38 slug to the forehead when you open the door
  
• All Chicago trolleys to Navy Pier will actually be carbon monoxide gas chambers
• All organic packaged food items from chain grocery stores will be laced with cyanide
• The brakes of all hybrid and electric cars will be sabotaged
  
• The nutrition pamphlets at fast food restaurants will be brushed with anthrax