"It never gets any easier. You just go faster." ---Greg Lemond
"Don't buy upgrades. Ride up grades." --- Eddy Merckx
"You drive like shit." ---The Car Whisperer

29.9.09

Early hate

This guy is too big an asshole to wait for Thursday.

Toronto columnist Terence Corcoran was almost Jonathan Swift with this obscene twist of logic:
When car drivers cruise....on Saturday night, their metabolisms are more or less flat-lined. They just sit there, burning up little energy personally but paying for the cost of their automobile's carbon footprint via taxes and fees. Bike riders grinding up the same route burn up a lot more carbohydrates, which their bodies convert into carbon dioxide and exhale, adding to their carbon footprint. The volumes are small, but it all adds up, and bicyclists don't pay.


But this is mixed in with some legitimate gripes about rude and thoughtless cyclists riding on the sidewalk and blowing stoplights and such, so even if it was satire, it's just not very good. I'd consider it a wasted opportunity, in fact, since that behavior is no worse than any driver with orders of magnitude less liability.

And does the world need another BikeSnob? A conservative, pudgy, non-cycling Canadian one with no sense of humor, at that?

So I will state this is probably real, and nothing if not trolling for a reaction. And he certainly got one from looking at the comments.

I'll say this: no matter how much C02 cyclists are emitting directly and indirectly - through increased calorie consumption - cars get taxed because they carry so much liability amid their surroundings and create so much wear on the surfaces intended to be driven on, not to mention real pollution. I'd bet this guy certainly wouldn't argue to have CO2 declared a pollutant in any other context besides heaping hostility on cyclists.

The amount of money saved on infrastructure maintenance by every "one-less-car" is certainly worth the cost of the so-called "free lunches" given to cyclists. Not too mention, we're the ones offsetting all the demand you sedentary fucks are putting on the healthcare system. You think your premiums are high? Thank us cyclists for keeping the risk down where it is!

Teammate and friend "Bryce" commented to me, "
This is an odd and hostile twist on a common theme. There have been numerous op-eds in favor of taxing/licensing cyclists....that just because someone is on a bike that they must never use a car (or own property or pay sales tax) and are thus somehow freeloading."

And I don't own property or car. I guess that makes me some sort of communist. Bryce continues:

"Even if you pay rent in lieu of a mortgage (not a bad idea these days), you're subsidizing your landlord's property taxes and contributing to public infrastructure in a direct and measurable way. So no, you're definitely not a freeloader and yes, this guy can suck it. Anyway, it's never about who pays for what, with crap like this the subtext is always hostility towards cyclists."

There you have it. Terence Corcoran. What an asshole!

Michigan, again

We arrived at Mark's cottage in Three Rivers on Friday evening after a peaceful drive out, escaping the worst of Chicago traffic and nabbing some roadside Dairy Queen along the way.

I'd been waiting since late July to have a seat on that faded couch, kick off my shoes, breathe in the room's pleasantly musty scent of procrastination, and take that first nip of peppery-velvet bourbon. I sighed a long sigh, letting the last of the stressful summer and road cycling season drain out of my feet; allowing fall's cool breath to whisper on the back of my neck, and the warmth from old mismatched lamps, reflecting off of cloudy windows, to seep in through my pores.

We drank our drinks and played trivial pursuit and chatted the night away as the dogs' toenails clicked on the floor to the rhythm of Sam Cooke's voice. And when they'd stopped their curious pacing, contented sighs from the couch would interrupt our conversation occasionally.

The night got away from us. Soon it was 2:30am and the bottle was over half-empty.



I awoke on the couch feeling bloated and had a headache, and didn't even remember shutting off the light. It was still somewhat early, but I'd still slept in by my standards. We took a stroll through the woods up the hill to the clearing, letting Jack and Charlotte run ahead in a glorious breach of protocol for them, leashes nowhere to be found. The break in the woods at the top is the result of a bad storm years ago, Mark tells me. Huge swaths of trees needed to be cleared, and it's now a peaceful surprise, a grassy field dotted by manicured bush groves and a tree or two, after walking through scruffy and uncouth undergrowth.

Imagine hippie drum circles or an aboriginal dance party and what-not going on up there.



After a breakfast of bacon and eggs, and a longer walk with the pooches, we took a moderately long ride as a prequel to Sunday's Century in Three Oaks, about an hour west. On the area's lightly traveled and beautiful roads (belied by the constant road kill - a veritable critter holocaust), we rode up and down constant and surprisingly challenging rolling hills, dodged the dead raccoons and feasting turkey buzzards, and stopped to the take the occasional odd sight, such as this huge red bard that was covered in deer antlers:



About an 90 minutes into our scheduled two hour ride - still outbound - we realized just how freaking big Chicago is...East Michigan Avenue?



We got a bit lost, missing a few turns, but the flat parts always seem to do that to you:



What would I do for a Klondike Bar? 57 miles, apparently:



We still had another 100 miles on tap for tomorrow, so additional recovery was needed:



And yet, with the great day so far, and all that was planned for Sunday, it's photo-ops like this that make getting out of the city entirely worthwhile:



Still, that 100 miles up tomorrow did weigh heavy on our...appetites:



Kirby arrived late that night, and after staying up a bit more chatting over a beer, we hit the sack well after 1am. The alarm was set for 6, and both Jack and I had a hard time getting to sleep. Jack wasn't quite sure what to make of the extra person in the room, and his toenails clicked all night long as he paced between Kirby on the floor, me on the couch, and Mark and Charlotte behind the closed door of the bedroom.

As I jumped blearily up to shut off the twitching, treble-y phone, I noticed he'd finally fallen asleep underneath my feet at the opposite armrest. Wake up, jerk.

Being in the far western end of the eastern time zone ensured it was dark for our 6:30 am departure to the Apple Cider Century in Three Oaks, an hour west. We left Jack and Charlotte to entertain each other over a huge bowl of water.

After a pancake breakfast, we donned the spandex and met several friends at the start finish...



...and were soon rolling with the sun chasing our heels:



The Apple Cider Century is becoming a tradition among us, the perfect way to end the season with a fun, stress-free, yet hard ride. About every 20 miles is a rest stop with cookies, PB&J, soup, and yes, apple cider. There is every kind of rider imaginable, from roadies like us, wearing full kit and giving our sponsors their due, to more relaxed weekend warriors in Primal Wear jerseys - lots of beer labels this year - even a few culture warriors on fixies were spotted, and lots of kids and families.

There are many route options, ranging from 15 miles all the way to the 100 miler we were tackling. Jonathan and Lara in fact were towing their year-old son Jacques in a trailer, and rode with us for the first 6 miles or so before reaching their turn to continue on the 37 mile route.

Kirby admires gravity's work at the 2nd rest stop:



Over the course of the ride our group got a bit smaller. Evan was riding with us on his cyclocross bike, with wider, lower pressure tires, and we'd picked up a 15 year old named Sam from Chicago riding on a old, vintage Trek steel racer a few sizes too big for him. By mile 50 the day was taking its toll on them, and they started falling off the back on the rolling hills. We said goodbye to Sam shortly after the 2nd rest stop, and Evan would catch up to us as we were leaving the 3rd and final stops.

Kirby was having mechanical problems and took the opportunity the turn-off for the 75 mile option offered, and there was just us: myself, Mark, and Loukis.



Fatigue hit all of us pretty hard rolling out of the last rest stop at mile 82, but Loukis had the most strength. He relished the effort of going 100 percent on the hills, and only a few times was I able to muster the motivation to chase, fewer to beat him to the top. Mark has been out of racing for nearly two seasons now, and the lack of training was showing. After a modest push for Loukis and I up a steeper roller, we'd look back to see Mark hurting.

But in his fitter days Mark was one of the fastest guys on the team and a tireless worker. Most casual riders train for months, very focused, to just complete a century. Mark kind of just did this one. That's saying something. See? I'd say he looks pretty good for mile 98.5 (and dig that tailwind!):



Since I had my camera out, I thought I'd record the last few images of the ride:



As I snapped this picture:



...Loukis had been waiting patiently for me to put my camera away as the city limits sign approached. There is nothing more sacred to the Long Ride than the sprint to the City Limits Sign. Soon it was almost too late, and as I was still reaching into my back pocket, there was the sound of his chain dropping cogs.

"You son of a BITCH!" I roared with laughter, and scared the bejeezus out of a family of four as I tried to grab his wheel. But the sign was right there. The century was over.

Yeah, that was rude of me, but like I said, nothing is more sacred.

Almost.

There was the spaghetti dinner and ice cream afterward.

24.9.09

Thursday Hate

This is more Thursday Pity. MacKenzie Philips accuses Papa of years of incest in her new book, and says that she appeared on the Today Show in 2008 while high on smack. I read once that John Philips’ dog got into his bag of mescaline. The dog ran around in circles for three days, he said, and then stared at itself in the mirror for 12 hours. “That dog was more human than anything else…”

Speaking of shitty pet owners…

I hate it when other dog owners see you coming and cross the street to avoid interacting with you and your dog. This is almost always accompanied by the dog(s) acting like a complete asshole, because a) the owner is using one of those fucking retractable leashes, and b) they do nothing but give halfhearted “stop it!” and “settle down!” instead of actually correcting the dog while it jerks them all over the sidewalk like Malachi does to Linda Hamilton in “Children of the Corn”.

“Outlander!!! I have your woman!!!”

Jack just walks along, nonplussed with a only a slight bit of ear-perk, probably just as turned off as I am by the other owner/dog’s behavior. It’s just so fun and cool to see your dog meet a new friend and have a good interaction. It’s so easy to spot owners who have no desire or clue of how to instill acceptable behavior in their pets. And it’s even more pathetic when they eschew valuable interaction with other pets altogether rather than dealing with the responsibility.

23.9.09

Hump Day

Bike-to-Work pants. $90 seems pretty reasonable for such a "hip" piece of clothing that's a) actually useful and b) American-made.

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I thought the logic was fairly sound...I wonder what happened? I guess now the threat's over since there aren't 44 days in September, and 8 years later Daley will still be mayor (and Olympic-less).

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If you listen closely, you can actually hear the sound of roadie gravitas "cracking" in two. Eat your heart out Padraig. (Is there any beer left?)

22.9.09

Makes perfect sense to me

As of today, flavored cigarettes are now banned, nationwide. They're considered gateways to teenage smoking. Cloves, too.

Except menthol is still legal. And it's illegal for teenagers under 18 to buy cigarettes, anyway. No word on whether this law will actually be enforced.

And smoking, the chief cause of preventable death in the U.S., is still legal.
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So are wine coolers.

20.9.09

Action Jackson

First cross race ever today.

I can't believe I waited this long. Today was the most fun I've ever had on a bicycle. It was as though I had died and woken up in Brussels.

I arrived at Jackson Park around 11 am, after hemming and hawing over whether to subject Jack to 15 miles in the Pet Ego trailer, and let him out with tail wagging to take in the scene: the men's 3s and women's 1/2/3 races had just started, cowbell was everywhere, floating on the early fall breeze, along with the scent of Bill's pancakes on the griddle, and the bass of Sean's Euro-dance party from his DJ perch.


(Photo by Nikki Cyp)

Greg's course was pure inspiration. Once the opening sprint had decided the leaders, the sand of the softball infield punished any too slow to be up front. From my perch at the third set of barriers in an earlier race, it looked like a distant cavalry charge from an old western movie, or perhaps CNN footage of a tank procession from the first Gulf War. A huge plume of dust arose, through which you could barely see legs, arms, and wheels flailing everywhere as racers lost their footing.


(Photo by Nikki Cyp)

From there it was into the brush and trees of the far stretch, snaking and winding, dodging whipping branches from the shoulder in front of you, where riders must have felt like Alice chasing the rabbit into the forest and down into the hole. Then the real technical fireworks started.


(photo by Gavin Gould)

A barrier just past a hard u-turn, followed by another sandy one-eighty, and then it was through the gauntlet - four or five team tents (Pegasus, Cuttin' Crew, Tati, Courage) - sweaty and screaming among the metallic scent of beer foam and clanging cowbells, they egged you on until you fell over the event horizon...

...the carousel was a work of genius. I wish I could've seen it from above - it must've looked like a ballet. The course swirled in upon itself, seemingly to infinity, before doubling back out. Surrounded by fans and racers, a sense of vertigo overcame as you passed the riders coming in or out on the other side of the tape. It was almost hypnotic as you coasted in, trying to hold your line in the tightening spiral.


(photo by Bloomington Cycles)

Your reverie was then cracked wide open as the pitch kicked up and a series of tight turns - over soft dark sand from old charcoals and around trees - led to the next set of barriers. The jump back on the bike while pushing uphill was too much for many riders. Huge gaps opened up and poor technique was taken advantage of, as next was two stretches on which to really get some speed, interrupted by another miniature vortex of swirling tape.


(Photo by Nikki Cyp)

Some easily rode and hopped over the three uphill log barriers after the long sweeping turn, others not so easily. Others ran it, and made up a place or two each time. Then a final hammer swing down the straight and open stretch to the line, if you still had the legs.


(Photo by Nikki Cyp)

I'd made it the whole road season without going down once, today I crashed three times on the first lap. Perfect planning. Passed the sandy infield, I closed the small gap to the leaders while on a brief stretch of pavement, before going down hard on a left turn back on the grass. The shifter was banged inward and the bars crooked, and I'd instantly lost about 20 places. But everything thankfully still worked so I just got back on and rode as hard as I could.

There were other crashes at seemingly every corner, and finally, one epic bottleneck just before the second set of barriers at a u-turn. I just pushed my way through the tangled mass of legs and wheels and continued to try and make up ground. I ran up the log barriers each time, and picked off a rider each time as well.

On the second lap I got a licorice hand up from Seegs, but on the next one I declined his offer of the $5 bill wedged in his plumber's crack. As well, by then things had stretched out considerably and I was able to take all the turns at speed and my comfort level, passing a lot of other riders anytime it straightened out.


(I passed on the dirty bill...photo by Nikki Cyp)

I can't imagine doing this for an hour as the Pro/1/2 fields do, for closing in on thirty minutes at the end of the fourth and final lap, I was about to lose the bratwurst I'd eaten two hours earlier. I had a piece of licorice caught in my throat, dirt in my eyes, blood on my shin, and snot stretched across my cheek and huge grin as I crossed the line 17th.


(Photo by Nikki Cyp)

Thanks so much for Newt and the team for providing me with the bike to ride this season.

All around me it was evident these people had been waiting nine long months for this day. There was laughter and screaming, smiles and hugs, cowbell and bass. A first-class event to kick off the 2009 Chicago Cross Cup and cyclocross season in pure style.

And my team had pulled it off with barely a hitch. I've never been so proud to wear the white, black, and red of XXX Racing than today.


(Photo by Nikki Cyp)

18.9.09

Thursday Hate

Is it still Thursday...?