"It never gets any easier. You just go faster." ---Greg Lemond
"Don't buy upgrades. Ride up grades." --- Eddy Merckx
"You drive like shit." ---The Car Whisperer

23.12.09

Thursday Hate - Early Christmas Edition

The Trans-Siberian Orchestra.



First, most Christmas music sucks. You can really only listen to it so many times, even Vince Guaraldi; so, I'll be pretty adamant here, there is no "great" Christmas music. Therefore, nothing is more teeth-grindingly grating than having to put up with people who rave about the "moving experience" of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and how it truly "captures" the holiday spirit. These are the same people who still think there are honest politicians left, or that the Whole Foods frozen dinners are good for you just because they say, "organic" on the box.

If pigeons are the current sad state on the evolutionary trajectory of the Velociraptor, the TSO are the natural progression from 80's hair rock. Although having said that, virtually nothing has changed since the 1989-91 era of arena rock, with their platinum blond straightened hair, petticoats and pirate shirts, and their Jackson Flying V knockoffs being wielded as though at a renaissance faire. You know that pose: where they lean way back and hold on to the guitar as if it's going to fly out of their hands at any minute while they stare at it, like they can't believe what they're hearing...

People who would otherwise call Tony Iommi and Randy Rhodes "noise" will pay good money to sit through nearly two hours of heavy metal cliches; giving their warmed-over religious Christmas favorites unneeded gravitas in order to feel cultured. Ugly sweater parties all over American suburbia will be accompanied - OH, so unironically - by these bland, Wonderbread collections.

Of course if you took these same people to some truly exciting "culture", such as Stravinsky (CSO, January 2010) or Mozart's Marriage of Figaro (Lyric Opera, March 2010), they'd fall asleep on you faster than a freshman who's just rubbed one out on the back porch couch after a frat party.

And that's a wrap for the Hate this year. It was certainly a rage-inducing 2009. I'm off to Alaska on Thursday, so stay tuned for a more heartwarming range of posts, such as pictures of frozen moose poop along the Anchorage ski trails, or accounts of my parents getting drunk and putting on some TSO; and be sure not to miss my 4th annual "Best that I could do" recap of the year.

Happy Holidays! Lots of love,

The Car Whisperer.

3 comments:

Patty said...

I've actually seen TSO in concert, in NYC. I got the tickets for someone else, but ended up using them myself. This is the only concert I have ever walked out on, I just couldn't bear it. Worse than the music was the narrator. They had this really dramatic actor who would narrate between songs "One night on a snowy evening..." and then the TSO would chime in with heavy drums and screaching guitars. Just awful.

The Car Whisperer said...

I'd rather sit through a Dungeons and Dragons game.

Pankonin said...

Any Christmas music played on Prairie Home Companion works for me. Maybe the Mormon Choir? The Chipmunks are a classic!